My mother called me last night to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. She's been calling a lot more often lately. When I asked her how she was she said "fine," but it wasn't very convincing. When I told her that she didn't sound fine she said "I understand now what you kids went through with your father." That comment is haunting me. I told her that nobody should have to go through that.
My father was violent and moody when we were kids. He didn't drink or use drugs, but he was in a lot of pain at times. He had a bad childhood himself. The way he treated us was traumatic to all three of us, but the other two are still in denial about the situation, so I'm the only one my mom can talk to about it, I imagine.
My father is not in very good health and he has some dementia. He has been very depressed and that doesn't help his mood any. All these years he really never took much of his temper out on my mom, but now he does. He doesn't hit her, but he yells at her. His sudden mood changes, along with the lack of feeling on his part, is not helping her already nervous condition.
They live in a house with my sister and her husband. They share a kitchen, but otherwise have separate houses. My sister has been going through her own problems, so I don't think that she's much help to my mom in this. Fortunately, two of her sisters live only 20 miles away and they have offered her support and a place to stay for a few days if she needs a break.
My way of surviving my childhood was to get out as soon as possible. I went to college, got married, and moved halfway across the country. I don't visit often and I'm not close to my brother or sister, who are both younger than me. About 20 years ago when I had my first child and my father had his first stroke, I got very depressed and had a breakdown where I had to deal with all my anger about my childhood. I had blocked out the memories and the feelings, but they all came rushing back and I had to learn to deal with my anger in other ways.
I don't think my brother or sister have every dealt with their feelings. In the past they have lectured me about the way I treated my parents. I thought they were crazy. Some of the most traumatic things in my childhood were things I witnessed that happened to them. Now we all show signs of the damage our childhood caused us, but they are still in denial about it.
Over the years my mother has expressed regret about the way things were and her part in not protecting us from our father. Our relationship has gotten a little better over the years. I'm sorry she is suffering now. Her doctors have told her to put my father in a home, but she refuses to, saying that it is her job to take care of him. I hope she remembers to take care of herself too.
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