cre8tivewmn's blog

Meditation insight

Today I went through the guided meditation Called Present Moment awareness- advanced from Meditation Oasis.com.

It was quite an experience,  I began to feel that I was in the lower part of a pool in the stillness watching the more active part of my mind.  After some time doing that, I felt myself slip backwards beyond the bottom of the calm pool to emerge in new area of stillness.  It would be like walking through the front of the closet and walking through to the back,, which now becomes an optional front. 

I'm frustrated because these words aren't adequate for describing what I felt.   It was magical and wonderful, as if time was frozen and I could examine things in a detached way that normally wouldn't be possible.

Not much accomplished here today.  Net was flaky all afternoon.  It finally settled down in the evening.

Moved. VOX shut down, so I was forced to move my personal blog here. Although I have other accounts, I may not link so I can have at least some perceived level of anonymity here.

Update

A friend reminded me how remiss I've been about blogging.  I guess it's because I don't want to admit to myself how limited my life has become.  I very rarely leave the house and the thought of preparing for an outing is overwhelming.

I found out in May that my vitamin D  level was 4 (out of a normal 30) I've been taking supplements to try to increase it, but my body will only tolerate so much at a time.  It is supposed that the shortage is caused by one of my necessary pain meds, so I am just doing what I can to keep up..I can tell that I forgot my morning dose of D because I won't have any energy at all.

My pain  is worse.  I had two nerve blocks that helped some with the lower back, but nothing so far helps my neck.  Try driving or going anywhere, heck try just talking to somebody at dinner without turning your head to the left.One really good nerve twinge from that and I am down for a while.

I had to get a rollator (think walker with wheels)  a few months ago.  I don't use it a lot, but it did help me on a shopping trip last month.It has a chair built in, so I can sit down wherever I get tired.

My knee is acting up again so I will probably have to have that looked at.It make it hard for me to go up and downstairs in my house.

I can sense a level of depression due to all of this. I just don't feel very interested in things I usually like to do.  It's very mild at this point and I think it is just situational.    As a result I feel myself withdrawing from the outside world.

I'm sure that's enough whining for now.  At least you can tell what's going on and why I'm not writing much.  I'll tr to do better.

Is D the reason?

A couple of months ago I mentioned to my pain doctor that I was feeling just allover "bad" tired and achy.  He decided to do some blood tests and while my blood sugar was fine, my calcium and vitamin D levels were low.  My vitamin D level, in particular, was so low that out of a normal test result of 30, I scored 4. 

This doesn't surprise me because I haven't been getting much sun and I can't tolerate most dairy products.  The doctor said that low Vitamin D levels can cause generalized pain (and that's certainly something I don't need anymore of), as well as fatigue.  He said one of my medicines (Lyrica) can cause low Vitamin D levels.

Having just turned 50 it is time for me to get serious about taking Calcium and Vitamin D supplements because I am at high risk for osteoporosis.  Yes, I should have been serious before, but I felt like the number of pills I was already taking was plenty.  I just cant worry about all my health problems at once.  I have to prioritize.  Anyway, I'm going to try the supplements he ordered for a couple of months and see how it works.  I could certainly use more energy. 

I haven't been writing much because I've been feeling so bad.  I tend to become a hermit when things get really bad.  It might not be the best way to deal, but it is one I'm used to.  My neck and the associated arm pain have been really bad and nothing seems to work.  I  can sometimes get temporary ease from ice or heat and meditation, but that doesn't always work.  I just got a nerve block in my lower back and that seems to be helping a little.  Keep your fingers crossed because I have some difficult days ahead of me.

What comes around...

My mother called me last night to wish me a happy Thanksgiving.  She's been calling a lot more often lately.  When I asked her how she was she said "fine," but it wasn't very convincing.  When I told her that she didn't sound fine she said "I understand now what you kids went through with your father."  That comment is haunting me. I told her that nobody should have to go through that.

My father was violent and moody when we were kids.  He didn't drink or use drugs, but he was in a lot of pain at times.  He had a bad childhood himself.  The way he treated us was traumatic to all three of us, but the other two are still in denial about the situation, so I'm the only one my mom can talk to about it, I imagine. 

My father is not in very good health and he has some dementia.  He has been very depressed and that doesn't help his mood any.  All these years he really never took much of his temper out on my mom, but now he does.  He doesn't hit her, but he yells at her.  His sudden mood changes, along with the lack of feeling on his part, is not helping her already nervous condition. 

They live in a house with my sister and her husband.  They share a kitchen, but otherwise have separate houses.  My sister has been going through her own problems, so I don't think that she's much help to my mom in this.  Fortunately, two of her sisters live only 20 miles away and they have offered her support and a place to stay for a few days if she needs a break.

My way of surviving my childhood was to get out as soon as possible.  I went to college, got married, and moved halfway across the country.  I don't visit often and I'm not close to my brother or sister, who are both younger than me.  About 20 years ago when I had my first child and my father had his first stroke, I got very depressed and had a breakdown where I had to deal with all my anger about my childhood.  I had blocked out the memories and the feelings, but they all came rushing back and I had to learn to deal with my anger in other ways. 

I don't think my brother or sister have every dealt with their feelings.  In the past they have lectured me about the way I treated my parents.  I thought they were crazy.  Some of the most traumatic things in my childhood were things I witnessed that happened to them.  Now we all show signs of the damage our childhood caused us, but they are still in denial about it. 

Over the years my mother has expressed regret about the way things were and her part in not protecting us from our father.  Our relationship has gotten a little better over the years.    I'm sorry she is suffering now.     Her doctors have told her to put my father in a home, but she refuses to, saying that it is her job to take care of him.  I hope she remembers to take care of herself too.

Grand opening at the Gallery

The cooperative gallery I am a part of moved to larger quarters in a desperate attempt to survive.  Sales were dropping at our old location to the point where we were going to run through our buffer capital and then we would never have a chance to move.

After an extensive search, we found a property closer to the city market and across from a popular restaurant.  Sales have been promising so far, especially for me. 

Last night was the grand opening event and we had quite a crowd.  I had some new clothes to wear and hubby and I planned to go out to dinner afterward.  I had to work the register for an hour and during this time sales were brisk.  Everybody in the cooperative had some part in the event and it was good to see everybody dressed up and working together. 

After my hour was over, hubby and I went out for dinner and we had a nice time despite the fact that I was hurting pretty badly by that point.  It was a very nice evening and hopefully a profitable one for the gallery.

Swine flu wiped me out

This is the story of my flu episode.  You've been warned.

Last Friday my hubby came home from his job at a college with a bad cough and went straight to bed.  As he often does when he is really sick he moaned and groaned.  Poor boy!  I stayed by him to help him even though I was afraid to catch it.  I had had a flu shot a week ago and I thought I was safe. 

Hubby went to work on Saturday for a special class, then came home and went back to bed with fever and chills again, along with the bad cough.  I did what I could for him, giving him moral support if nothing else.  By Sunday evening he was feeling better, although he coughed for several more days.

Unfortunately, by Sunday evening I was starting to feel it.  My problems were somewhat different, though.  I didn't cough (probably because of my pain meds) and I felt alternately hot and cold.  I also had a bad headache.  That often happens when I get a virus, ever since I had mono that attacked my brain lining in college.  

I started resting and drinking fluids.  I am one of those people who are high-risk for the flu because of my asthma and other medical problems, so I was taking this seriously and helping my body out all I could.  I also took some decongestants which kept me up all night.  I felt alternatively too hot and too cold all night and finally began to sleep the next  morning. 

On Monday during the day I felt tired, but not too bad until evening when I started to feel so icy cold--as if somebody was wiping me down with alcohol.  This was even the parts of me under the covers.  I started to feel really bad around midnight and started vomiting.  After that I was unsteady on my feet, confused,  and my back and neck hurt terribly.

The next day was spent in bed with constant vivid dreams (all anxiety type dreams).  I was freezing cold with no fever, but I was dizzy and weak and everything hurt.  I was so helpless that I couldn't go beyond a few steps.  I had trouble getting my sons to hear me asking for help and at one point I just burst into tears.

That night was absolutely horrible.  I was having chills and nausea and I really wanted to quit. I felt that if I had to go through another long night of chills I was going to die.   Unfortunately, quiting wasn't an option.  My body just had to get through this somehow.  I listened to a meditation piece about listening to your body, so I acknowledged did that and  the anxiety eased some.  Then I started vomiting again. 

The next morning (Wednesday) I woke up feeling not quite so cold.  I was still having twinges of cold, but I was having some normal sleep in between.  I was extremely tired and still had a terrible headache, but I began to feel as if I might survive.  I stayed in bed though.  I have a bad history of getting up and out too soon and getting sick again and I don't want pneumonia again. 

I also realized that I was so depressed because I had been off my antidepressant, so I got my prescription picked up and I'm feeling better psychologically now.

By Thursday afternoon I felt a little like myself and on Thursday evening I spent an hour or so on the computer before crashing again.  As I write, it is Friday afternoon.  I still have a headache and I'm watching out for this chest congestion.  I hope I can avoid a secondary infection, so I am taking things VERY easy.

So far the boys show no sign of infection.  They aren't in a lot of close contact with us and I've reminded my younger son several times to wash his hands after being in contact with me.   

I advise everybody who can to get a swine flu shot along with their regular shot.  This is nasty stuff.  I haven't been this sick in years and years.  If you're young and healthy you might get through it quickly, but it is nothing to fool with.   I intended to get a swine flu shot when they were available, but now I don't have to.  I would much have rather had the shot!

On a sad note...

Yesterday marked the end of my little dog's struggles.  His tumor had grown rapidly in the last week and his health was clearly deteriorating, so on Monday morning I took him to the vet and did my sad duty as his owner and protector.  I know he is no longer suffering and that makes me feel good about the decision, but there's a small hole in my heart. 

At least we had an opportunity to prepare ourselves and everybody got a chance to say goodbye. 

I think about others who have much greater personal losses, but I feel what I feel.  The animals are my constant companions through good times and bad.  Daffy and Abby walked me around the block when I could barely make it on my own.  I returned the favor when Daffy couldn't do the stairs by himself.  

I will miss Daffy, but I know that he had a good life with us, and I know that it was time for him to rest.

Catching up

I've been so busy the last few weeks it feels good to take a day or two to slow down and catch up on the things I enjoy.  Our cooperative gallery is moving locations and although I can't work on painting, etc.  I offered to work at the old gallery to free up those who could.  I ended up working three extra days in a 1 week period.  I'm pretty tired now as a result, but I know that I helped to make a difference.  I'm a little disappointed that others didn't make the same offer, but that's life in a coop, unfortunately.

It's time to get busy organizing the show I help organize and run.  Even though it takes place in May, there are so many things to start on now, including recruiting new artists. 

The muscle relaxants are helping.  They don't seem to make me sleepy unless I'm already tired.  My hubby is worried about how tired I am.  Somehow he never seems to remember that it is part of my disease.  He stays up all hours and takes only brief afternoon rests, so he doesn't understand why I need to sleep so much.  I've learned that if I push myself to stay up my body always fights back, demanding the rest it needs. 

My dog's condition continues to deteriorate.  He has a large visible mass on his chin now.  The doctors aren't ready to give up yet, but I'm not sure how much more I want to put him through.  We're doing our best to make him comfortable and happy. 

Talk about your stream of consciousness writing!  There you have it.   Five minute tour through my brain.

And life goes on

Some miscellaneous updates.

This morning I got up early to take daffy to the vet.  His jaw is very swollen. Apparently the tumor is growing.  He's back on antibiotics and now he has some pain meds to take as well.  His attitude is good an since he started the prednisone he has been peppy again...more like his old self. 

I picked up the items from my display window at the gallery.  Overall the month went well.  I sold several items, which is better than sales have been for me.  No big payday, but enough to keep me going.  We're getting ready to move the gallery to a larger, and we hope much more traveled space.

Tomorrow I will be going to my husbands office picnic.  I don't really want to go, but he has several new colleagues and I need to go meet them and their families and play nice wife.  I wouldn't mind going normally, but I have had to go out and do something every day this week except Wed.  Next week looks the same.  Oh well.

I saw my pain doctor yesterday and I requested a muscle relaxer to try.  He has been suggesting massage for my tight muscles, but that is very expensive and wouldn't help for very long.  So far the muscle relaxer is working very well.  I took one last night when my neck was in knots and in an hour I felt much better.  The same thing happened this morning when my back was very tight. 

I got the idea to ask about a muscle relaxer from an article my hubby showed me about pain management.

I have been reading a lot.  I finish a book every day or two.  It helps pass the time when I can't work, but sometimes it makes my hand and arm hurt to hold the book.  Whine, whine, whine.  Authors I've been reading:  Sherrilyn Kenyon, Laurell K. Hamilton, Brenda Joyce, and Christine Feehan.  I read mostly library books although I picked up a couple of paperbacks and publishers closeouts at the bookstore the other day.  Without a good library, reading is an expensive habit.  I've also bought some e-books.  I like that idea.   Nothing to fill up your bookshelves with.  I can read them on my phone.
 

A bad report

A couple of weeks ago my oldest dog, Daffy, had an abscess in his mouth, so we took him to the emergency vet.  He cleaned the area and x-rayed.  He found a mass in Daffy's jaw and suggested we follow up with our regular vet after the infection was treated with antibiotics.  Daffy seemed to feel a little better, but was tired and clingy, which is unusual for him.

We had Daffy's teeth cleaned and the doctor did a biopsy of the mass in his jaw.  After the teeth cleaning, Daffy was listless and clingy, so we took him back to the vet to get the results of the biopsy and to find out what to do about Daffy.
Unfortunately, the mass in his jaw is squamous cell carcinoma. 

Daffy is quite an old dog.  He was found as a stray, kept for a few months by the people that found him, then turned in to the shelter where I volunteer.  I had just lost a small dog so I adopted him within a few hours of seeing him.  He's a Pomeranian.  I've had him for 3 years, and we estimate he is 10-12 now.  He's losing his hearing and his eyes are getting cloudy.

The plan is to try to keep treating the symptoms and to keep him comfortable as long as Daffy is enjoying life.  The doctor said he was not ready to give up yet, but I know the time is coming.  The current medicine has pepped him up quite a bit and he has his appetite and energy back which is very good to see.  My family, and especially my husband and I, are enjoying this extra time with him.  We know it won't last forever and we will be ready to let him go when the time comes.

Daffy